WHAT

geography. Geography?! My sworn enemy since I realized how bad I was at it in sec 3? I got an A1 for that disgusting subject? Is it disgusting anymore? I have no idea. How the HELL did I get an A1 for geography? That is mad.
But now I qualify to take Further Mathematics. HA, that's the biggest laugh ever.
I wasn't as nervous as I should have been sitting there in the hall. I just wanted the talking to be over and get to the results. I wanted to get my results and stare at the back of the paper until I was ready to turn it over and see what it contained. but when I went up to get my results the teacher was like 'very good.' Very good?! I had to see this. I was looking frantically at the bottom for my score but I didn't find it there. I then saw my grades. and my heart stopped.
I got straight A's. [well, except chinese] How did I manage to get STRAIGHT A'S?!?!?!
Shock, euphoria, I don't know. I screamed, cried, I swore. It must have been the shock.
but of course, praise the Lord, in whom all things are made possible.

currents and a hibiscus

I saw the prettiest hibiscus today. I was quite surprised. I have never seen another like it. It was yellow with a pink center. It was lovely.
It seemed today, that the world was more alive. Maybe because it rained, but it felt as if there was a rhythm, a pulse, currents flowing all around. And when I closed my eyes, I could focus on the sounds, the texture of them and the life behind them. or maybe the air smelled fresher after the rain.
or maybe it was because I was happy today.

finally

'what is it like, Neverland?'
'one day I'll take you there.'

I finally watched Finding Neverland. It was so beautiful. I cried so much, and have finally released some emotions. I feel grateful. my resolve to never grow up has strengthened.
I could almost swear I heard a bodhran in the background of 'concerning hobbits'

Zephyr

Zephyr found me today
he lifted me gently and stole
me away from
the weary path
I walked

He brought me to Neverland
he brought me peace.

goodbye ma

"I want to tell you a story"
'what story ma'
"I'm with the christians. Two people came to me and put a long white robe over me. Everyone is in white."
'are you happy ma?'
"yes. It's very beautiful. I'm happy"

Mama died about an hour ago. My dear sweet mama.
goodbye mama. I love you ma. I'll love you forever.

mumbo jumbo

I think Beauty and the Beast is practically the perfect story. I loved the whole movie and I think it deserves alot of awards. I just don't like one thing. belle. she is so annoyingly feminine and perfect. she always seems like she about to faint when something bad happens.
funny though, that I can empathize with one aspect of this annoying character. I badly need to go on an adventure. hm. I wonder if I am an escapist. or maybe my secret subconciousness wants to go on adventures for the rest of my life.
oh yes, Cappadocia, in Turkey. Underground cities built by some civilization [ hittites?] and expanded by christians to escape persecution from the arabs a long time ago. lot's of churches and stuff. I wouldn't mind going there one day.

memories with mama

Jeryle told me to treasure times I had with my mama. I think that's what he said. I suddenly remembered something when he said this.
I was sitting on a high stool at the kitchen counter in Cantara and I was quite young. Maybe I was six. I think we were eating cake, or tarts, or ice cream, or some snack that is sweet. It was sunny outside and the kitchen was quite bright. Mama had both her legs then and could still walk. She wasn't going deaf yet. She was talking to me about ah gong. He died from lung cancer years before I was born. She was talking about the old days, and I remember I had a lot of fun listening to her. I made some jokes about some of ah gongs theories and I remember she laughed and said he wouldn't like to hear that.

I remember we alway used to say, nobody can cook better than mama. and I can remember her standing her infront of the stove cooking lots of stuff.
I remember when I was young, I was trying to reach the cord to switch on the light. I ended up breaking the lamp. I remember being so scared, I went to hide in the closet with Iris. Mama came and found us and said to go tell jeet what happened and it'd be alright.
I remember that she'd always go 'nan nan nan nan nan' to calm lady down. And that she'd carry lady. Mama is always wearing sarong. even now she still wears sarong.
I think I don't remember a lot of things, cause I was very young when it all happened. and currently, mama can't hear me well, and her mind isn't as sharp as before. It's difficult now I suppose.

call

I need to call Andrea. She's a great motivator.
now I need to find her number and tell her that I bought lemony snickett books.

I wonder if I am free.

pain

I was violently sick last night. I couldn't sleep for a long time because of the pain. my sister tried to help by giving me accupressure. she stayed up late with me and tried to help me sleep. Unfortunatley this means when I woke up this morning I had two rows of dark marks running down my back.
I still feel pain though. I wonder if I should try school tomorrow.

finding neverland

I badly want to watch Finding Neverland. I heard it's sad, but maybe that's why I need to watch it. I need a good reason to cry. I can't bring my emotions out of the graves I have put them in by myself. They're starting to eat me up from inside. Which is why I need a sad story to bring out the sorrow. and maybe the movie will prove enlightening. or maybe I'm just trying to prove there's hope in this world to myself again.
or maybe I am trying to find Neverland.

holding out for a hero

maybe I'm indulging in romantic stories and fairy tales because I'm trying to convince myself that there's still a reason to keep breathing. I am NOT suicidal. I mean in terms of keeping my soul, spirit alive. In terms of hope, and having a point to being alive. perhaps I keep hearing "all I ask of you" in my head as a means of sustaining myself. I thought I would shy away from love. It seems all the more beautiful now. Maybe I just want to stay away from it but love the way love is.
maybe I wish that I could fly.
maybe I wish that I could see the stars clearly.
maybe I wish that flowers would grow in my yard and wouldn't die so easily.
maybe I wish that love is life. yes, please, oh God, please let it be so.

beatrice

I think it's very lovely and sad how lemony snickett writes a tribute to some body special named beatrice. 'my love for you will live forever, you however did not'. It's one of those painful romantic thoughts, to truly love someone with all your soul even long after they are gone.

see you again

I did NOT say goodbye to Deb today. I only went to see her off. I was sad to see her go, but I know she's coming back soon so it was definitely not goodbye.
I had fun today.

burrow

I went to times today looking for music. Just so happened that store didn't sell music. but I did see Lemony Snickett's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'. I smiled. I bought a hardback with the first three books in one.
I think I have managed to bury my heart break very deep down. Maybe it will resurface once mom leaves. when I am left alone to my thoughts. Although, I think I am generally not thinking anymore.
I realized that I don't know what a valentine is. or what it does.
does that make me empty?

hungry yet full

I stared at my bowl of tortellini. I didn't want to stop stuffing my face because I still felt [and still feel] hungry. I could tell my stomach was full though. So I forced myself to stop. I'm going to have to get used to late dinners again. and coming home and being alone and afraid. mom's going back to L.A. next week.
"Mama is swelling" it sounded funny in my head. One corner of my brain laughed. I couldn't help but picture a cartoon swelling with air like a balloon, then popping and being back to normal again. I can't laugh though, because I know how it will be. Mama will be crying all the time, saying she doesn't want to leave us, even though I think deep down, she's also scared. Her eyes won't be bulging in that cartoony way, they'll be tired and have bags underneath. Her face will be drawn, so will Toet's and mom's. She won't be able to support herself and sit up. She'll be very tired. And she'll know that it's not just her hands swelling anymore, but her leg and other parts too. She'll be going on dialysis.
I know there isn't much time left. she can't hear too well anymore, especially over the phone. Which is why I always make it a point to scream into the receiver.
I'll be here though. I'll be hungry and alone again. Yai might be around for a while though, so maybe it won't be so bad.

pink flowers

I just discovered that once upon a time, I bought a pink flower for someone for her birthday. I think she liked it and thought it was sweet.
I think I have just grown up again. In a very painful and fast way. This next month is going to be difficult. I was sincere about everything, and I regret cold comments. Maybe this is the harder way to learn patience and kindness.
maybe one day I'll buy pink flowers again.