struggles

struggles are good, they make us stronger. hard times, they made me stronger in a way. I grew. I think God gives us challenges in life for such reasons. so we can grow. but He has never presented me with something beyond my endurance. I am thankful for it.
I'm learning to be more independent I suppose.

save me

I'm missing my friends. I feel kind of left out of the loop, but that's nobody's fault really. It's like an ache and an echo. hurm. I need to adapt. It always took me longer than normal. I think I'm one of those people who want to matter.

I really miss them.

lucky

God likes me. turns out the cello I got should have been a lot more expensive, but the people at the store made a mistake. it's like whoa. I'm kind of reeling.

I grew up in a box

I grew up in a box
good and strong.
I was happy,
there was space to breathe.

As time went on
the box grew smaller.
each day passed with more pain
less air.

And the confines,
they pressed down on
my shoulders.
still the box grew smaller

I curled my body,
adjusted uncomfortably,
still the box grew smaller

As new pains hit me
each day as I ran out of air,
I knew
It was I, not the box
that grew

outlets

I decided to let all those thoughts of love and stuff be put into writing as an outlet, instead of actually having to put myself in the awkward vulnerable position of falling in love. It turned out quite well for all the previous lovey things I wrote.

love is

Love is a kind of madness, honestly. It drives you insane either sooner or later. it's not always the funny kind of insane. it'd be safer not to fall in love. - napoleons brain
Love is some kind of wonderful. A life without love, is no life at all, how could you live like that? you shouldn't. - napoleons heart.
well I think every part of me agrees that life isn't simple.

which one

should the mind rule the heart? or the heart rule the mind? when there is no balance, what path should one take?

dream

take me by the hand and lead me,
I'll close my eyes and listen to your voice
as you guide me because I trust you
let us go slowly, because I'm not sure of my feet.

tell me of the sunset, of the stars, and the sea,
tell me that you love me.

destiny

'why? why am I so lucky? why am I so blessed?'
'you are destined for great things.'
that sobered me. I feel like I have been given an assignment. like a mission, as if my life has suddenly been given a solid meaningful purpose. I'm not sure what it is yet though.

resistance

I don't want to like anybody. It pisses me off to know I'm falling for someone, which is probably why I treat him so badly. ugh, the thought is quite disgusting. I don't want to be vulnerable
I can't discern lies well enough. you can't trust them. they'll lie to you through their teeth. and I can't tell because I'm not smart enough. and if you're scared, you can't tell them, you can't let them know, cause they'll laugh inside and pretend to care. it doesn't matter if you're hurt, and you're afraid to trust them, they'll lie to you and tell you you can because they don't have any heart. yeah, you're vulnerable.

humility is so important. I don't even know how to justify that, but it's true.

perckies

I LOVE my percs. I just adore all of them. we had another sleepover last night to celebrate the gold status of SCGS. It was just so much fun. I laughed so hard it seemed like I became blind for awhile. All I could hear was myself laughing, all I could feel was my stomach muscles hurting from so much laughter, I couldn't see.
bom bom.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

gold

struggling for your goals makes your achievements sweeter.
'Singapore Chinese Girls School. Gold.'
I nearly died. I didn't want to believe it before because I didn't want to get my hopes up. but oh my goodness. 'gold.' The band has been working for this for 10 years. In 2001, we got a bronze, which became a silver in 2003, which made me ecstatic. then today... today, I sat in the lobby of singapore conference hall because no matter how much I begged and pleaded and threatened to annoy the army man outside, he wouldn't let me in. I sat outside and asked my friends, what do you want to get? 'gold,' the smiled sheepishly. I thought to myself sadly, I don't think they can, but it's possible. I was afraid to get my hopes up.
'gold,' I jumped up and down and screamed and I don't know why, but I cried. perhaps because the struggles of countless groups of leaders finally paid off. SCGS band is officially a gold band and nobody can talk down to us anymore. yes, it may not be much to people on the outside, who think whole judging system is flawed anyway, but it means a lot to me, to us. even if in reality, it isn't as great as it seems. I don't care anymore, all that matters, is that I'm happy because I care.
I couldn't be prouder of my friends.
I couldn't be more thankful to God either. It's just what I believe. I sat down and Peace reminded me to pray. so I did, I prayed with her as they walked onto stage. I prayed as they played, and everything I prayed for came to pass. no squeaks, they started well, expression, oh my goodness. I prayed for them to be calm, to concentrate. throughout their whole performance I prayed. I prayed, 'anything is possible through you, Lord. I'm not sure if they will get a gold, but if you're with them, I know they will.' last time I said something like this was for my chinese o levels.
oh my goodness, praise the Lord.

disappointment

Is disappointment a good thing? yes, it can be sometimes. I decided that being disappointed helps us to be more aware of what we have. teaches us acceptance. tells us that we aren't perfect, our lives aren't perfect and things don't always go our way so that we don't develop into brats.
I had so much fun going out with deb and martina yesterday. deb brought her friend sam along too. she dragged me to watch a horrror movie. In the end martina and I watched less than half cause we were covering our eyes.

very special

I thought that I wasn't special after all, that I was just a meaningless. but realized that it wasn't true. I thought that I never meant anything after all, that I just thought I was worth something when I actually wasn't. but I know that's not true. Even though I wasn't special to someone after all, I know that I am worth something and I am special.
I am special to my mom, to my dad. I am special to God. smile for me, that's good enough. I am free. I go around smiling to myself for no real reason. maybe it's because I feel this great sense of peace.