the way it is

one more thing

2005-08-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot the other thing.
my life isn't a lie. it's really and truly great.

just a note

2005-08-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

I knew that certain people read this. I knew. really. and it's true because I don't lie as much compared to other people.
you know why I'm better?
because my parents love me.

tragedy

2005-05-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

star wars episode III is so incredibly heart breaking. I didn't cry though. and Yoda is still a little cute green thing that's wise and powerful and lovable. Anakin... well, he's just a big disappointment. I knew he'd become bad, but oh, what tragedy. it's really incredibly heart breaking. and how the jedi were betrayed. oh I could barely handle it when the children tried to fight back and got killed.
the plot was developed really well.

things

2005-05-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

oooh, ritalin. give me ritalin. I need ritalin.
I'm proud of my invention! I might even be able to market it. oh, then I can make money. oh, money, to save up and get my xbox 360.
I need to go read my book now.

goodbyes

2005-05-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

'come with me.'
'now you know I can't.'
it's natural to feel sad when saying goodbye. oh, I need to watch star wars really bad.
lamb chops, tortellini, lamb chops, tortellini, lamb chops, tortellini. juice. juice. water. meat. meat. meat. meat. meat. meat. meat.
oh dinner was really good.

loud

2005-05-11T05:03:00.000-07:00

it is true in some way. you'll hear me before you see me.
I spent my free period looking through the window of the classroom and smiling like a cheshire cat to scare the teacher.
WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Insects that camouflage themselves as chocolate aren't very smart.
woohoo. I am getting good at this school thing. and this whole music thing, I was born for it. I have an affinity, a 'natural ability'. what do I want to do with it? I still have the same goal.
To God be the glory.

the Don

2005-05-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

foolish mortals! you cannot outsmart the Don!

change

2005-05-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

love is repulsive. relationships are repulsive and just fucked up. oh, I just wrote a bad word. maybe I'm going mad because this is not how love is supposed to be. because inner me is being rebellious and saying no, love is not shitty, it's a good thing. oh. internal struggle.

all hail the don

2005-05-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

yeah, that's right. bow before the all powerful Don Eunarco!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

guess what

2005-05-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

My life rocks.

unbalanced

2005-05-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

I want to be little again. I want to be picked up and swung around and not have a care. I want to escape.
and the other side of me says thinks, escape? no, I don't need to escape, I can deal with things. because I don't want to run away like some helpless escapist.
I know what will make me feel better. I think I'll vent on my drums. shut that damn phantom of the opera music off, turn on the punk rock.

determination

2005-05-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I'm scared.
I wonder if there's something wrong with my brain, cause I can't pick up what the teachers are saying when they talk fast. I'm scared because I don't really understand. I don't like not understanding. so this means, I gotta work harder. ok. work harder. work.
or maybe I'm disturbed because I keep dreaming that I get shot or that arrows get shot into my chest. or that knives are being thrown at me.

shudder

2005-05-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

I had a nightmare last night. some guy liked me and I liked him back. ugh. good think I woke up before all the messed up crap started. but not before I died. I dreamt that I died.

relieve pain

2005-05-05T04:09:00.000-07:00

I feel sad. I decided to learn well. study hard and learn my music well, because maybe if I get good one day, I'd be able to make people feel better if I played for them. music has great power, and maybe I'd be able to relieve pain if I played well. because it's special when you play for someone, just so they know you're playing for them.

love like

2005-05-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

what do I like?
I like juniper trees.
I like berries and cream.
I love white lilies and sunflowers.
I love my family of course.
I love the perckies [sc percussion]
I like jam.
I pretty much love food.
peaches, eggs, lamb, hummus, texas chilli, moms cooking, salt and vinegar chips, olive oil and good bread, sultana cookies, macadamia nut butter, peanut butter, fried chicken, barbequed chicken, sashimi, japanese food in general, apple deserts [ like the apple crumble at swensens], bananas, mangos, anything chocolate
I like green and white.
I like fresh air.
I love music.
I like star gazing.
I like roasted marshmallows over a campfire.
I like hot chocolate on a cold day.
I like pasta.
I love flowers.
I love cookies.
I adore cake.
I love pie. apple, blueberry, chicken, pumpkin, lemon meringue, black berry, coconut cream, banana cream. yes, pie.
I like warm clothes in winter.
I like red and black.
I love animals. except snakes. except bugs.
I like cherry blossoms in spring.
I like trees in mid autumn.
I like coconuts. the water inside, the white flesh, coconut shavings, coconut cream pie.
I love chocolate.
I love meat.
I love shopping with friends or close family.
I love christmas.
I love christmas with mom's side of the family.
I adore cousins andrea, donald, derek, kelvin.
I like pudding.
I like milk.

shut up

2005-05-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

If you're not going to do any thing about it, suffer in silence. It's annoying when people complain to get attention or complain just for the sake of complaining. spare me. I don't need to hear about some petty insincere misfortune, especially when I'm trying to get my work done.
maybe I'm being selfish. Can you blame me for wanting to stop my ears? complaining about not being able to support your brothers distant friends at a match? that's fresh.
I seem cold because I am so annoyed being forced to listen to it. Am I expected to give pity when it's obviously insincere? no way. I am impatient. I have no patience for that.
I don't like pretentious flakes.

ponder

2005-05-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

-robert frost

stop

2005-05-01T20:38:00.000-07:00

Stop whining, and get a grip. I can't stand it. just sitting there in your little pool of misery and whining to everyone, secretly wanting them to pull you out of there. no, no one is going to help, because the little pool of misery thing is just repulsive. and then what happens? you sink deeper into your pool. no, you gotta get yourself out of there, get it done yourself. If you don't help yourself, no one is going to help you. because the little pool of misery and self pity is just repulsive.

I need to follow that as well, I've been whining a lot lately. oh I get chills just thinking about it.

struggles

2005-04-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

struggles are good, they make us stronger. hard times, they made me stronger in a way. I grew. I think God gives us challenges in life for such reasons. so we can grow. but He has never presented me with something beyond my endurance. I am thankful for it.
I'm learning to be more independent I suppose.

save me

2005-04-25T05:20:00.000-07:00

I'm missing my friends. I feel kind of left out of the loop, but that's nobody's fault really. It's like an ache and an echo. hurm. I need to adapt. It always took me longer than normal. I think I'm one of those people who want to matter.

I really miss them.

lucky

2005-04-20T02:58:00.000-07:00

God likes me. turns out the cello I got should have been a lot more expensive, but the people at the store made a mistake. it's like whoa. I'm kind of reeling.

I grew up in a box

2005-04-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a box
good and strong.
I was happy,
there was space to breathe.

As time went on
the box grew smaller.
each day passed with more pain
less air.

And the confines,
they pressed down on
my shoulders.
still the box grew smaller

I curled my body,
adjusted uncomfortably,
still the box grew smaller

As new pains hit me
each day as I ran out of air,
I knew
It was I, not the box
that grew

outlets

2005-04-18T04:05:00.000-07:00

I decided to let all those thoughts of love and stuff be put into writing as an outlet, instead of actually having to put myself in the awkward vulnerable position of falling in love. It turned out quite well for all the previous lovey things I wrote.

love is

2005-04-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

Love is a kind of madness, honestly. It drives you insane either sooner or later. it's not always the funny kind of insane. it'd be safer not to fall in love. - napoleons brain
Love is some kind of wonderful. A life without love, is no life at all, how could you live like that? you shouldn't. - napoleons heart.
well I think every part of me agrees that life isn't simple.

which one

2005-04-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

should the mind rule the heart? or the heart rule the mind? when there is no balance, what path should one take?

dream

2005-04-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

take me by the hand and lead me,
I'll close my eyes and listen to your voice
as you guide me because I trust you
let us go slowly, because I'm not sure of my feet.

tell me of the sunset, of the stars, and the sea,
tell me that you love me.

destiny

2005-04-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

'why? why am I so lucky? why am I so blessed?'
'you are destined for great things.'
that sobered me. I feel like I have been given an assignment. like a mission, as if my life has suddenly been given a solid meaningful purpose. I'm not sure what it is yet though.

resistance

2005-04-16T02:47:00.000-07:00

I don't want to like anybody. It pisses me off to know I'm falling for someone, which is probably why I treat him so badly. ugh, the thought is quite disgusting. I don't want to be vulnerable
I can't discern lies well enough. you can't trust them. they'll lie to you through their teeth. and I can't tell because I'm not smart enough. and if you're scared, you can't tell them, you can't let them know, cause they'll laugh inside and pretend to care. it doesn't matter if you're hurt, and you're afraid to trust them, they'll lie to you and tell you you can because they don't have any heart. yeah, you're vulnerable.

humility is so important. I don't even know how to justify that, but it's true.

perckies

2005-04-16T02:31:00.000-07:00

I LOVE my percs. I just adore all of them. we had another sleepover last night to celebrate the gold status of SCGS. It was just so much fun. I laughed so hard it seemed like I became blind for awhile. All I could hear was myself laughing, all I could feel was my stomach muscles hurting from so much laughter, I couldn't see.
bom bom.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

gold

2005-04-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

struggling for your goals makes your achievements sweeter.
'Singapore Chinese Girls School. Gold.'
I nearly died. I didn't want to believe it before because I didn't want to get my hopes up. but oh my goodness. 'gold.' The band has been working for this for 10 years. In 2001, we got a bronze, which became a silver in 2003, which made me ecstatic. then today... today, I sat in the lobby of singapore conference hall because no matter how much I begged and pleaded and threatened to annoy the army man outside, he wouldn't let me in. I sat outside and asked my friends, what do you want to get? 'gold,' the smiled sheepishly. I thought to myself sadly, I don't think they can, but it's possible. I was afraid to get my hopes up.
'gold,' I jumped up and down and screamed and I don't know why, but I cried. perhaps because the struggles of countless groups of leaders finally paid off. SCGS band is officially a gold band and nobody can talk down to us anymore. yes, it may not be much to people on the outside, who think whole judging system is flawed anyway, but it means a lot to me, to us. even if in reality, it isn't as great as it seems. I don't care anymore, all that matters, is that I'm happy because I care.
I couldn't be prouder of my friends.
I couldn't be more thankful to God either. It's just what I believe. I sat down and Peace reminded me to pray. so I did, I prayed with her as they walked onto stage. I prayed as they played, and everything I prayed for came to pass. no squeaks, they started well, expression, oh my goodness. I prayed for them to be calm, to concentrate. throughout their whole performance I prayed. I prayed, 'anything is possible through you, Lord. I'm not sure if they will get a gold, but if you're with them, I know they will.' last time I said something like this was for my chinese o levels.
oh my goodness, praise the Lord.

disappointment

2005-04-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

Is disappointment a good thing? yes, it can be sometimes. I decided that being disappointed helps us to be more aware of what we have. teaches us acceptance. tells us that we aren't perfect, our lives aren't perfect and things don't always go our way so that we don't develop into brats.
I had so much fun going out with deb and martina yesterday. deb brought her friend sam along too. she dragged me to watch a horrror movie. In the end martina and I watched less than half cause we were covering our eyes.

very special

2005-04-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

I thought that I wasn't special after all, that I was just a meaningless. but realized that it wasn't true. I thought that I never meant anything after all, that I just thought I was worth something when I actually wasn't. but I know that's not true. Even though I wasn't special to someone after all, I know that I am worth something and I am special.
I am special to my mom, to my dad. I am special to God. smile for me, that's good enough. I am free. I go around smiling to myself for no real reason. maybe it's because I feel this great sense of peace.

take me away

2005-03-30T05:28:00.000-08:00

will you please take me far away? I want to go on an adventure. will you love me all the way to heaven and back again? love is a good thing. will you sing with me? I could sing forever. let us go look at the stars again. they are very bright tonight. and when that is over, please sing me to sleep.

the fox said so

2005-03-29T07:28:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me, 'you become, responsible, forever for what you have tamed.' I suppose it's difficult to be responsible sometimes.
I rejoice because I am free. I am not lost, and I am happy and smiling. I hope all can feel this way. all.

thoughts

2005-03-28T07:03:00.000-08:00

I was listening to music and felt very calm and peaceful, and I just started smiling to myself, looking at the scenery pass me by. I was on a train.
I refuse to see anything sentimental about bugs bashing themselves into blue lights and getting fried to a crisp. they're just too stupid for their own health.

mom comes in and says, 'eunice go do you work'
dad comes in and says, 'eunice, you better go do your work'
Iris comes in and says, 'eunice, better go start working cause this year's no joke'
toet comes in and says, 'eunice I believe in you'
'we all do'

I better go do my work.

lullaby

2005-03-27T03:17:00.000-08:00

I sat in the car thinking on the way home from church, looking out the window. I became aware of toet singing along with sleepy jim reeves songs. mom joined in with her, saying 'we're going home at last.' I smiled.

spinning

2005-03-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

eunice is standing in a garden just spinning, singing, looking up at the sky, and laughing. she could just go on like this and not get tired. this is how eunice feels.
I realized today that I have come to a point where I communicate with my maid using a series of grunts and actions. I just see her and I can't speak malay anymore.

tired

2005-03-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

I am tired, I feel tired. beautiful words that have been twisted into lies. such things should not be contaminated, but to my dismay they have been.
I have been blatantly lied to, used, hurt, threatened, and betrayed. I said to myself, 'it's alright.' I told them, 'it's alright.' I don't know if they were sorry. I could be wrong but,well, I don't think they were. I don't think they care at all. but I told myself 'it's alright.' maybe I was just thrown aside as quickly as possible, and every moment of trying to explain with lies was dragging on and was just a waste of time. I don't think they cared much when I said 'it's alright.'
but to me, I still think let it be. For is not forgiveness divine? not saying I'm divine, far from that. but we all strive to be kind don't we? don't we all strive to be more like how our God wants us to be? and do I not say 'forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us'? I am holding myself to that. I don't know what this is. I don't think I am the same person I was a few months ago. such expriences change us I suppose. I don't know if this could be called strength, maybe it is.
but whatever strength I have, it was bestowed upon me by my Lord. I could not have borne all this on my own and I am thankful.

what to say

2005-03-24T16:21:00.001-08:00

'roll across'
I looked at the mat. It was smothered with slime and there were pools of goo in some places. my shorts felt damp cause of all the slime covering them. I was dirty already so I decided I might as well do the forfeit. I ended up having all that starchy slime in my hair. I suppose it was quite funny.
I'm missing my friends though. It's natural I suppose. ugh, meeting new people is difficult.

pain

2005-03-22T07:55:00.000-08:00

oh yes. a lot of pain comes with caring about people. I hate saying goodbye to people I love. this is the third time this year. I must cry myself to sleep now.
I hope you're happy where you are mama.

Dear

2005-03-22T02:55:00.000-08:00

do you love me? I love you. I love everyone around me. I love my family, I love every single one of my friends.
why has everyone become so dear? It causes me pain.

smiles

2005-03-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

well, I don't know how, but I got my posting at 7.30 this morning. smile for me, I am happy. I was feeling really down last night. I sat in my room thinking. I decided that I was made of stronger stuff, and didn't have to feel sad. or maybe I'm just telling myself I'm tough, though without all the support of people around me, I would have actually crumbled. how many knives would you throw with your careless disregard? I think I grew stronger, but I haven't become bitter. quite the opposite, actually. I prayed.
Everybody in the world should have a copy of The Little Prince.

senses

2005-03-21T06:17:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days that fill your senses. I had to walk in today and I'm glad I did. I think I've never seen a carpet of flowers before, so today would be my first time. I liked it. That was as I was walking past the park. walking further in, I saw a lot of trees with huge bunches of flowers hanging of the branches. And everytime the wind blew, some flowers floated to the ground. I loved it, just walking with flowers falling all around me. I could have stood in the middle of the road and looked up at the trees watching flowers float down forever. But common sense told me that a car would probably knock me over if I kept standing there like that. So I went home. I took the long route to see how the hibiscus flowers were.
It was refreshing, somehow, to find upon entering the house that the house smelled like rice. I put down my things and went for a walk. I went to the park with soong. we just sat on the swings talking, until this little boy came up to us smiling. So we went away because we knew he secretly wanted to sit on the swings. we found a bench surrounded be falling flowers and carpets of flowers as well. we cleared the bench and I found my hands to be sticky because of the sap.
I liked sitting there talking, with flowers falling from the sky all about me.
Maybe because it reminded of cherryblossoms in spring. I like cherryblossoms in spring.

fuzz

2005-03-20T05:08:00.000-08:00

it's funny how when you're feeling down, disney movies can make you feel better. well, it works for me anyway. I wasn't feeling too great earlier, kind of sad actually. I caught Aladdin on the disney channel while I was channel surfing. I felt happier, and now, I'm not really so bothered about my troubles. Maybe because I used to watch it when I was young. I don't know. Come to think of it, watching The Incredibles yesterday made me smile. I feel better already.
warm fuzzy feelings are headed my way.

God knows

2005-03-19T23:17:00.000-08:00

It's true, God does know what's going on. I am sorry for what I have done wrong, and I know that I am so blessed and lucky. I wonder why.
I guess it hurts me once in a while, to know that I forgave wordlessly, and was forgotten so quickly.

troubled

2005-03-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

I am having trouble bringing my sorrow forth. what can I do but sigh? Straight out, I'm feeling sad. This week is very dreary and boring. let's stab eunice in the chest and see what happens.

ohana

2005-03-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

Napoleon feels that it is very important to say that she loves her family very much. she is very lucky and blessed. Christmas last year was the best ever. Napoleon wants to have christmas like that again this year if possible.

yellow daisies

2005-03-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and remembered something. I once visited someone at the hospital. I think it was Mount Alvernia. I stopped at far east flora and bought a bunch of yellow daisies and walked to the hospital. I was very pleased with the yellow daisies. They were very pretty, except that one was wilting. well I couldn't do anyting about that. They looked like sunshine.
So I arrived at the hospital and took out the flowers and gave it to the person I was visiting. I think they made the room look brighter. I was wondering whether I shouldn't have bought them; whether they were a mockery of what I believed in. The flowers and I were easily forgotten. Too bad though, they were very pretty.
I woke up this morning feeling a little sad.

but I was very pleased with myself yesterday for buying a green fan for $2. And I was also pleased with myself for having a winning streak at soong's house until phyllis sabotaged me into losing just to spite me. And I was glad I managed to stuff myself with eggplant yoghurt and arabic bread dipped in hummus yesterday. And I am very pleased with myself for finding a book and ordering it online. I'm also very pleased with myself for getting an A1 for math and Amath which I'm going to celebrate about today.

silence

2005-03-10T06:22:00.000-08:00

I surprised mom and toet by watering the plants and washing the dishes.
someone asked me today, 'why do you talk so much crap'
why? I'm trying to make myself laugh and distract myself from thoughts. I have many memories stored up in my brain that I'm trying to distract myself from. I can't think about these things when other people are around, they make me sad.
In all honesty, when I'm not laughing, I'm just trying to find a quiet place within myself. When I get there I try to think about things. I try to think them out. And here I go, growing up again and becoming more sombre. I don't think I've become more serious and bitter in the process. I managed to come to a place where I'm more aware of the reality of life, and I'm trying to deal with the troubles with some grace and acceptance. Acceptance, that's the word. I think I've become more accepting.
Part of me still wants to refrain from growing up.

white roses

2005-03-04T01:01:00.000-08:00

I badly want to buy white roses and go to the sea. I want to go say goodbye to mama. I found a piece, it's not orchestral, it's a band piece. It made me think of my mama when I heard it. It just sounds like her song, if she had a song. "An American Elegy" I heard it first last night when I went for the SAJC band concert. Congratulations, you made me cry.

There were angels in the water.

WHAT

2005-02-28T06:29:00.000-08:00

geography. Geography?! My sworn enemy since I realized how bad I was at it in sec 3? I got an A1 for that disgusting subject? Is it disgusting anymore? I have no idea. How the HELL did I get an A1 for geography? That is mad.
But now I qualify to take Further Mathematics. HA, that's the biggest laugh ever.
I wasn't as nervous as I should have been sitting there in the hall. I just wanted the talking to be over and get to the results. I wanted to get my results and stare at the back of the paper until I was ready to turn it over and see what it contained. but when I went up to get my results the teacher was like 'very good.' Very good?! I had to see this. I was looking frantically at the bottom for my score but I didn't find it there. I then saw my grades. and my heart stopped.
I got straight A's. [well, except chinese] How did I manage to get STRAIGHT A'S?!?!?!
Shock, euphoria, I don't know. I screamed, cried, I swore. It must have been the shock.
but of course, praise the Lord, in whom all things are made possible.

currents and a hibiscus

2005-02-27T05:56:00.000-08:00

I saw the prettiest hibiscus today. I was quite surprised. I have never seen another like it. It was yellow with a pink center. It was lovely.
It seemed today, that the world was more alive. Maybe because it rained, but it felt as if there was a rhythm, a pulse, currents flowing all around. And when I closed my eyes, I could focus on the sounds, the texture of them and the life behind them. or maybe the air smelled fresher after the rain.
or maybe it was because I was happy today.

finally

2005-02-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

'what is it like, Neverland?'
'one day I'll take you there.'

I finally watched Finding Neverland. It was so beautiful. I cried so much, and have finally released some emotions. I feel grateful. my resolve to never grow up has strengthened.
I could almost swear I heard a bodhran in the background of 'concerning hobbits'

Zephyr

2005-02-21T01:31:00.000-08:00

Zephyr found me today
he lifted me gently and stole
me away from
the weary path
I walked

He brought me to Neverland
he brought me peace.

goodbye ma

2005-02-19T03:29:00.000-08:00

"I want to tell you a story"
'what story ma'
"I'm with the christians. Two people came to me and put a long white robe over me. Everyone is in white."
'are you happy ma?'
"yes. It's very beautiful. I'm happy"

Mama died about an hour ago. My dear sweet mama.
goodbye mama. I love you ma. I'll love you forever.

mumbo jumbo

2005-02-17T03:09:00.000-08:00

I think Beauty and the Beast is practically the perfect story. I loved the whole movie and I think it deserves alot of awards. I just don't like one thing. belle. she is so annoyingly feminine and perfect. she always seems like she about to faint when something bad happens.
funny though, that I can empathize with one aspect of this annoying character. I badly need to go on an adventure. hm. I wonder if I am an escapist. or maybe my secret subconciousness wants to go on adventures for the rest of my life.
oh yes, Cappadocia, in Turkey. Underground cities built by some civilization [ hittites?] and expanded by christians to escape persecution from the arabs a long time ago. lot's of churches and stuff. I wouldn't mind going there one day.

memories with mama

2005-02-16T04:19:00.000-08:00

Jeryle told me to treasure times I had with my mama. I think that's what he said. I suddenly remembered something when he said this.
I was sitting on a high stool at the kitchen counter in Cantara and I was quite young. Maybe I was six. I think we were eating cake, or tarts, or ice cream, or some snack that is sweet. It was sunny outside and the kitchen was quite bright. Mama had both her legs then and could still walk. She wasn't going deaf yet. She was talking to me about ah gong. He died from lung cancer years before I was born. She was talking about the old days, and I remember I had a lot of fun listening to her. I made some jokes about some of ah gongs theories and I remember she laughed and said he wouldn't like to hear that.

I remember we alway used to say, nobody can cook better than mama. and I can remember her standing her infront of the stove cooking lots of stuff.
I remember when I was young, I was trying to reach the cord to switch on the light. I ended up breaking the lamp. I remember being so scared, I went to hide in the closet with Iris. Mama came and found us and said to go tell jeet what happened and it'd be alright.
I remember that she'd always go 'nan nan nan nan nan' to calm lady down. And that she'd carry lady. Mama is always wearing sarong. even now she still wears sarong.
I think I don't remember a lot of things, cause I was very young when it all happened. and currently, mama can't hear me well, and her mind isn't as sharp as before. It's difficult now I suppose.

call

2005-02-15T05:33:00.000-08:00

I need to call Andrea. She's a great motivator.
now I need to find her number and tell her that I bought lemony snickett books.

I wonder if I am free.

pain

2005-02-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

I was violently sick last night. I couldn't sleep for a long time because of the pain. my sister tried to help by giving me accupressure. she stayed up late with me and tried to help me sleep. Unfortunatley this means when I woke up this morning I had two rows of dark marks running down my back.
I still feel pain though. I wonder if I should try school tomorrow.

finding neverland

2005-02-14T04:10:00.000-08:00

I badly want to watch Finding Neverland. I heard it's sad, but maybe that's why I need to watch it. I need a good reason to cry. I can't bring my emotions out of the graves I have put them in by myself. They're starting to eat me up from inside. Which is why I need a sad story to bring out the sorrow. and maybe the movie will prove enlightening. or maybe I'm just trying to prove there's hope in this world to myself again.
or maybe I am trying to find Neverland.

holding out for a hero

2005-02-14T03:52:00.000-08:00

maybe I'm indulging in romantic stories and fairy tales because I'm trying to convince myself that there's still a reason to keep breathing. I am NOT suicidal. I mean in terms of keeping my soul, spirit alive. In terms of hope, and having a point to being alive. perhaps I keep hearing "all I ask of you" in my head as a means of sustaining myself. I thought I would shy away from love. It seems all the more beautiful now. Maybe I just want to stay away from it but love the way love is.
maybe I wish that I could fly.
maybe I wish that I could see the stars clearly.
maybe I wish that flowers would grow in my yard and wouldn't die so easily.
maybe I wish that love is life. yes, please, oh God, please let it be so.

beatrice

2005-02-12T06:53:00.000-08:00

I think it's very lovely and sad how lemony snickett writes a tribute to some body special named beatrice. 'my love for you will live forever, you however did not'. It's one of those painful romantic thoughts, to truly love someone with all your soul even long after they are gone.

see you again

2005-02-12T06:50:00.000-08:00

I did NOT say goodbye to Deb today. I only went to see her off. I was sad to see her go, but I know she's coming back soon so it was definitely not goodbye.
I had fun today.

burrow

2005-02-11T05:25:00.000-08:00

I went to times today looking for music. Just so happened that store didn't sell music. but I did see Lemony Snickett's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'. I smiled. I bought a hardback with the first three books in one.
I think I have managed to bury my heart break very deep down. Maybe it will resurface once mom leaves. when I am left alone to my thoughts. Although, I think I am generally not thinking anymore.
I realized that I don't know what a valentine is. or what it does.
does that make me empty?

hungry yet full

2005-02-11T05:12:00.000-08:00

I stared at my bowl of tortellini. I didn't want to stop stuffing my face because I still felt [and still feel] hungry. I could tell my stomach was full though. So I forced myself to stop. I'm going to have to get used to late dinners again. and coming home and being alone and afraid. mom's going back to L.A. next week.
"Mama is swelling" it sounded funny in my head. One corner of my brain laughed. I couldn't help but picture a cartoon swelling with air like a balloon, then popping and being back to normal again. I can't laugh though, because I know how it will be. Mama will be crying all the time, saying she doesn't want to leave us, even though I think deep down, she's also scared. Her eyes won't be bulging in that cartoony way, they'll be tired and have bags underneath. Her face will be drawn, so will Toet's and mom's. She won't be able to support herself and sit up. She'll be very tired. And she'll know that it's not just her hands swelling anymore, but her leg and other parts too. She'll be going on dialysis.
I know there isn't much time left. she can't hear too well anymore, especially over the phone. Which is why I always make it a point to scream into the receiver.
I'll be here though. I'll be hungry and alone again. Yai might be around for a while though, so maybe it won't be so bad.

pink flowers

2005-02-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

I just discovered that once upon a time, I bought a pink flower for someone for her birthday. I think she liked it and thought it was sweet.
I think I have just grown up again. In a very painful and fast way. This next month is going to be difficult. I was sincere about everything, and I regret cold comments. Maybe this is the harder way to learn patience and kindness.
maybe one day I'll buy pink flowers again.

the way life is

2005-01-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

homeless

2005-01-26T02:37:00.000-08:00

she stood alone in the midst of
a storm
she was cold and weary
but she did not feel the rain

lightning flashed
thunder followed
but she stood in the midst
alone
in the shadows, barely
out of reach
of the warm light glowing
through the window panes
of the houses all round

the lightning is gone
the thunder followed suit
but the rain is falling harder
now she feels it falling
she feels the water in her hair
on
her
face
now the cold ache,
the pain pierces her

she is there still,
still she is standing
in the cold.
the warm light does not reach her,
does not want to reach her.

delirious

2005-01-25T04:57:00.000-08:00

why am I delirious? hm, let's see. I just went 26 hours without any food and 13 hours without fluids. THAT'S INHUMAN. I don't know how I managed to survive. Now that I've gotten some food inside me, I'm starting to lose my mind. I think I have lost weight in an unhealthy way. I want it back.
but what I'm deliriously happy about is that MOM'S HOME. I won't have to starve anymore. now she's obsessed with cleaning. I don't care I'm just glad she's home. I nearly cried. It has been one enormous nightmare without her around.
I have PE tomorrow. damn.

ants and moths

2005-01-23T01:23:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning up my room. I discovered that I had thrown a way a piece of strawberry sherbert candy and that it had attracted a swarm of ants. so I took the candy out of the bin and threw away somewhere else. I then took the bin filled with ants to the shower and filled the bin with scalding hot water. oh yes.

my dad was telling me that 2 days before my great great grandmother died, her room was filled with moths that covered every inch of the walls. after she died all the moths disappeared.

food and some thoughts

2005-01-22T06:01:00.000-08:00

here we go. Lately I've been indulging in mediterranean food. babaganoush and hummus with arabic bread, mansaf which is like lamb with arabic bread and rice and a yoghurt dip. ice mint tea with harissa and shish kebab. Harissa is like a bowl of thick and gooey mush with honey. but it's good meaty mush. I probably won't eat it again though, because i don't really like honey.

there's this cool place call ambrosia cafe. you have to take of your shoes. if you sit upstairs, you sit on the floor with cushions around a square table. it's really cute. and they serve really nice drinks. I got something called amor. funny that it tasted just like how you would imagine love would taste like.

due to my over comsumption of fluids today I needed to go to the bathroom very badly on the way home. dad dropped me off at a mcdonalds. Thus I have discovered a very big problem of society. why do women take so long to use the bathroom?! here I was, on the brink of peeing in my pants, and all the women infront of me just took FOREVER. Unlike me it was in, out. but I'm still wondering why they take so long. I mean, what are they doing in there, reading a book?

I have decided that even though I like some feminine things and that i can be quite feminine, of late I have just been very manly and barbaric.

camels interfere

2005-01-21T22:03:00.000-08:00

my brother and sister were telling me a story about mohammad. God was telling mohammad that he had a hundred names. So mohammad was recording these names down. God was about to tell him the hundredth and most sacred name of all. Suddenly all the camels started yawning at the same time so mohammad never heard the hundredth most sacred name of God.

making rounds

2005-01-21T02:24:00.000-08:00

woohoo feel good. I just spent a good hour going around the garden looking for ant hills and annihilating them with a garden hose shooting a strong jet of water! at close range! I was particularly sadistic to one ant hill. After going for a few other ant hills, I went back to look at that one. hm. there were still ants going about trying to fix up their hill. so I shot another jet of water at them. there's a hole in the ground now.

Napoleon conquers all.

well well

2005-01-20T05:50:00.000-08:00

hm. let's see. this is my first entry on my new blog. how tremendously exciting. ok. incase you don't know yet, this is napoleon.